“Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10
It feels like I’m on this ferris wheel of unrest. Every time I complete a cycle of a piece of God’s plan, I feel uneasy and restless until the next piece of my life’s puzzle is revealed to me… For those of you who are just as OCD as I am, you’ll understand this metaphor:
Imagine you’ve been working on a puzzle for the past 22 years… And every 6 months to a year, you’re allowed to look at the front of the box to see what the completed puzzle is supposed to look like. So you work on the 4 billion piece puzzle year after year and each year you complete a segment of the puzzle. Except that you just thought you finished a segment, only to realize that there’s a piece missing. You start scouring the house; looking under furniture, between couch cushions, even in the refrigerator, because hey, you left the remote in there one time, so it’s not ridiculous to think that maybe the rogue puzzle piece found its way in there… But at a certain point, you realize you’ve DONE all you can DO. And now it’s time to hurry up and wait….
That’s what my life feels like. I’m not sure how to fill, or even with what to fill the gaps, which leaves me with the unsettling sense of failure. Not even so much failure as much as I just feel as if I forgot something… Like when you get ready to go somewhere and you go through your checklist of necessities: Purse, check. House and car keys, check. Wallet, Check. Cell phone, check…. but somehow you still feel like you forgot something.
I’m one of those people who is most content under pressure of a deadline. I didn’t realize this until I finished my associates degree… I would have given anything to get a break from classes, and schedules, and tests, and labs… but I honestly and truly believe that society does either one of two things to students today: It either makes them apathetic, to the point of not wanting to work, or it makes them workaholics, who don’t know how to just relax. I feel like the latter.
I cling to Psalm 46 when I feel like this; like I’m in the very center of a whirlwind society, swirling and spinning while I’m standing still in the center, just watching it all happen. I keep asking myself what I should do, when maybe the answer is that I shouldn’t do anything; I should just wait. Just…wait.
I’m an awful wait-er… In spite of all the waiting and anticipation that has been the sole objective of my life for the past year and a half, I’m still just awful at it. Perhaps I’m somewhat more patient than at the start, but I don’t necessarily feel that way. And the more I sit and look at the word “wait” on the computer screen, the more it loses its meaning.
Lately the question on my mind has been what am I supposed to do to fill the space of time my husband is away. That was an easily answered question last year. I just finished school. 24 credit hours was more than enough to keep my mind off missing him. But now, I’m a 21-year-old housewife. I feel incredibly restless. And the thought that keeps popping back into my head is that I should study apologetics, or music ministry at a seminary. I was listening to Ravi Zacharias (what a brilliant philosophical and theological mind!) on “Just Thinking” yesterday and I have never in my life felt more called to that area of ministry. It’s always been sitting there in the back of my mind as what I’m called to do.
Anyway, I figure there have to be other people who struggle with the same sense of unrest that I do… I’ve found exercise and prayer help. But I’m going to seriously meditate on the possibility of seminary school. I would so much appreciate your prayers on the subject. I know that if this is where God wants me, he will make the way clear, and my paths straight. Here’s to trusting God knows what’s best! And happy Friday, all!