Cyclical Battles

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I was in a rut this morning. So, rather than the same old thing, I made a different breakfast. That helped a little. I experience cyclical periods of depression, and I’m pretty sure it’s related to my hormones. Even so, I feel like I’m being crushed beneath those feelings of doubt and sadness, so for kicks and giggles after I finished my daily devotion, I started a short study on trust.

Through that introductory reading on the subject of trust, I realized how overlapping trust is. If I don’t trust God to take care of me and to lead me in spiritual wisdom and truth, then I start trying to place that trust on my husband, which is wrong for a couple of reasons:

1.) God is jealous for me. He desires to be first, and foremost in my life, because that’s the way he designed it. Marriage is important, yes, but it is not meant to take the place of a close relationship with God. It can not and will not fill that void.

2.) My husband is not God. He is not omniscient, omnipresent, or almighty. To place that kind of dependence on him will just emotionally drain us both and leave him feeling frustrated and me feeling as dissatisfied and depressed as before.

So, I came to a multifaceted conclusion which is this: My jealousy, or feelings of insecurity, inadequacy or depression are due to a lack of trust in God. By not trusting that God is in control and faithful to fulfill his promises, I am denying that I am a worthwhile creation; a beautiful child of God, made exactly the way I should be. Also, the weight to lift me out of that funk is not to be placed on my husband. It is unfair and selfish of me to place that burden on him or to blame him for any of those feelings. That is my fault, for taking my focus off God, and I have to understand that my value does not come from comparing myself to other women; it comes from God.

There were three pieces of scripture covered in the trust devotion; Exodus 14:14, Joshua 21:45, and Joshua 23:8. I’ve decided to make the combination of the three my new “mantra” of sorts, because it keeps me mindful of everything I tend to let drift away when my hormones decide to go crazy and make me sad.

“The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. [Ex. 14:14] Not one of the Lord’s good promises failed; every one was fulfilled. [Josh. 21:45] But you are to hold fast to the Lord, your God, as you have until now.” [Joshua 22:8]

The Lord will fight for me; I just need to calm down and stop doubting. There are things over which I have absolutely zero control, so to fret over their outcome is foolish. God will take care of it, I just need to stay out of the way. God always follows through with his promises. I don’t get to choose when or how, but I can rest in knowing that not a single one of His promises has ever been broken. “He never failed me yet.” 😉 I am to hold fast to the Lord as I have in the past. What cause or reason do I have to let go of a faithful, steady, unchanging, and loving God who has it all worked out? Losing sight of God’s word will only lead me to further despair. I am to continue to cling to the Father as I have before, and he will continue to carry me through whatever trials or storms life brings my way.

They say “history repeats itself,” and I find it ironic how true that is… One would think that having faced the same struggles time and time again, we as human beings would have adapted and figured out how to avoid the same complications twice… I think that’s a large part of why I journal. It is therapeutic for me to look back to a certain date, or time and see what struggles or triumphs I was experiencing. I can’t forget where I’ve come from; I must always remember the place in which I started so that I may learn from the experiences I’ve had along the way and grow in wisdom, not making the same mistakes twice. Reading back through journal entries I made back in January before I started this blog reminded me how lost and insecure I was. I felt useless and confused and I wanted nothing more than for God to show me what I was supposed to do. It seemed that I kept walking around in circles because I hadn’t figured out that perhaps what I needed was just a season in which I could grow closer to God. I was looking at my future in terms of what I thought would be best and what I wanted at the time, instead of letting God lead me down the path I was supposed to take. Looking back to six months ago, I understand a little bit more about where I am today. And while there are still some things which make absolutely no sense to me now, I am sure that when the time comes, I will look back and reflect on how amazing and flawlessly God wove my path.

“Farther along we’ll know all about it. Farther along we’ll understand why. Cheer up, my brother! Live in the sunshine. We’ll understand it all, by and by.” (Farther Along, one of my favorite songs)

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